“Have you heard anything more from the Fab 5,” whispered Harry as Hermione seated herself across from him at the supper table.

She frowned and shook her head. “Not a word, I suppose they’ve been doing just fine on their own.”

“I guess so,” remarked Ron dubiously. “And I suppose they found him Snape date after all, seeing as he’s not here for supper.”

Hermione looked up toward the head table; sure enough, Professor Snape’s seat was conspicuously empty, as was Professor Dumbledore’s. “I wonder where the Headmaster is,” she wondered aloud, “it’s not like him to miss a meal--” The hand that rested on her shoulder halted her words mid-sentence.

“Miss Granger, would you please come with me? I believe you have an engagement this evening, and you will need to prepare yourself immediately.” Professor Dumbledore had apparently approached her from behind, as silently as if he’d apparated (although of course one can’t apparate inside the Hogwarts grounds, as it states on page 723 of Hogwarts – A History.)

Back to the subject at hand, she thought. “An engagement? I don’t understand."

“All will be revealed to you at the proper time, Miss Granger. Now if you’ll bid your friends goodnight, we must be off.” Professor Dumbledore’s tone was kindly but firm. Hermione looked across at Harry, who was shrugging his shoulders in ignorance.

“I guess we’ll see you tomorrow, ‘Mione. You can tell us what this is all about then.” Harry’s curiosity was unmatched by his hunger, as he promptly set to work on his roast mutton.

Hermione rose with a sigh, “Right then, we’ll talk tomorrow.” Ron waved goodbye, as his mouth was also already filled with food. I’m glad my adventures aren’t interfering with their dinner, she thought with a mental sneer worthy of the potions master as she followed the Headmaster out of the Hall.

“What is this about, sir?” Hermione asked again as they traversed the halls and headed up a large, winding staircase. “And why all the secrecy?”

Professor Dumbledore said nothing, merely smiled serenely as he led her to a door.

“The room of requirement,” asked Hermione in confusion. “But I don’t require anything right now!”

“That, Miss Granger, is a matter of perspective,” her companion replied. “Inside this room you will find what you need for your evening ahead. Once you have utilized the contents appropriately, come out again and I will deliver you to your engagement.”

Hermione opened the large door and stepped inside. Her eyes widened at the sight – she no longer cared what her engagement was, rather was very focused on the attire that she apparently required for the occasion.




“Good lord, will she never return,” groaned Ron. “I can only beat you at Wizard’s Chess so many times before strangling myself from boredom.”

His friend glared back at him, “Well, next time we’ll just have to play one-on-one Quidditch, and THEN we’ll see who’s bored.”

Ron smiled uneasily, “Well, perhaps I spoke too harshly. What I meant to say was, next time we decide to wait up all night for Hermione we should make sure to have some Butterbeer and girls to keep us company.”

“What am I, chopped liver?” asked his sister, who was curled up in an armchair reading a book.

Harry quickly interjected, “Of course not, Ginny, although I hardly think you’re Ron’s type.” Brother and sister both shuddered at that thought.

A creaking sound filled the air. Three sets of eyes turned toward the entrance to the common room. Hermione crept in, obviously trying to be quiet, before she noticed that she already had company. After one look at the three expectant faces watching her, her gaze dropped to the floor and she made to rush towards the stairs to the girl’s dormitory.

“Hermione, what’s wrong,” asked Ron. “You look terrible!”

Ginny threw her book at her brother, “Hardly. Hermione looks lovely, that is an absolutely fabulous dress! But you do look upset.” The tear-stained cheeks that Hermione was attempting unsuccessfully to hide were the first clue. “Where did you go tonight?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Hermione snapped as she strode for the stairs.

Harry raced to block her retreat, looking at her with concern. “Not so fast, ‘Mione. You’re not hurt, are you?”

“I’m not hurt, I just wish we’d never written the Fab Five.” And with that, she ducked under Harry’s outstretched arms and raced up the stairs to the solace of her single room.




The next morning, Hermione was as taciturn as she’d been when she’d returned from her ‘engagement’. No amount of prodding, cajolement, or even threats from Ron and Harry induced her to speak of her ordeal. She refused to go to breakfast, insisting that she had work to do in the library.

“Hermione?” Hermione looked up from her book. Harry stood beside her with a hesitant expression on his face.

“I told you, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“It’s not that,” he assured her, “I wanted to let you know that Professor Dumbledore announced at breakfast that there would be a special assembly at lunch, and that attendance is mandatory.”

Hermione grunted her acknowledgement and returned her attention to the book. Harry took the hint and left her to own company.




“Thank you for your cooperation in attending this special assembly,” announced Professor Dumbledore from the podium in the Great Hall. “As you all know, we have had several guests here at Hogwarts these past few days working on a special project. I’m sure you’ve also noticed certain. . .changes that have manifested themselves during this time.” His gaze rested briefly on Snape as he spoke the word ‘changes’.

“I’m certain you’ll all be happy to hear that the project has been concluded, most successfully.” Some murmurs rumbled through the hall. “Our guests are most anxious to share with you the fruit of their labor. Now, without any further ado, the Fab Five will present ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, with special guest star Severus Snape!”

Applause racked the Great Hall as the lights were dimmed, with several notable exceptions. Malfoy and his cohorts sat sullen and cross-armed at their table, looking as if their mommies had refused them dessert. At the Gryffindor table, all were applauding save the three who had taken the trouble to arrange the endeavor. Harry sat stonefaced, while Ron pouted and Hermione looked greener than a pile of troll bogeys.

If the Fab Five noticed this curious lack of excitement from Hermione and her friends, they did not acknowledge it. They waved from their table and scooted their chairs around to sit in a horseshoe facing the large screen that had been erected at the front of the room. The professors sat in a row facing the makeshift theater, and the man of the hour, Professor Snape, was in the center, wearing a new set of robes and a satisfied smile.

One of the camera crew worked the projector, and soon the show was starting. Many of the students giggled their way through the opening credits and theme song, while those unfamiliar with television gaped in amazement. Soon, however, they were greeted with a more familiar site.



Hermione was sitting in the library, chewing on her lip and writing on a parchment. Her voice echoed through the Hall as she wrote:

“Dear Jai, Carson, Kyan, Thom, and Ted,

I’m writing to implore you to consider helping out my poor Chemistry teacher, Mr. Snape, on your show. I’ve watched every episode of ‘Queer Eye’ and am amazed by what you’ve been able to accomplish, but none of these fellows needed your help half as bad as my dear Mr. Snape."



An audible gasp erupted from the Gryffindor table.



"Mr. Snape is horribly misunderstood, no one else at the school sees him the way I do. They are unable to look past his unfortunate physical appearance to see the shining jewel inside. Mr. Snape is absolutely brilliant, and exceptionally clever and witty, but all people do is make fun of his hair, which admittedly could use some conditioning. I want the rest of my school to see him the way I do so they will come to love him the way I do.

Please, Fab Five, you’re our only hope.

Sincerely and Best Wishes,

Hermione Granger”



Sniggers began rising from all the tables at various points in the dialog – the Ravenclaws were the first to catch on, followed by the malicious Slytherins and then the others. One rather loud “I knew it!” was heard from amongst the faculty, but since the words came from Sibyll Trelawney, no one paid them much mind.



The Fab Five were marching down the steps towards the Potions Dungeon. They knocked on the door to Snape’s quarters, and after a moment were greeted by the shyly smiling face of the Potions Master. He welcomed them in and gave them a tour of the premises.

“Here is my bedroom, admittedly a bit Spartan but I’ve never had the urge for decorating. . . and my sitting room, which is where I sit , really it just houses my large collection of books. I’m afraid I don’t have a kitchen, since I eat in the communal dining hall, but you’ll find my bathroom through that door.” Snape presented the perfect picture of the bashful host. . .

“So, what do you use in your hair,” asked Kyan as he stood in the bathroom with Snape. “You seem to have an issue with texture.”

Snape sighed, “I use Head & Shoulders to keep the flakes away, but I just can’t seem to get rid of the grease. It comes from working in a poorly aired dungeon with chemical fumes all day. Do you have any suggestions?”

“Of course I do! This ‘Smooth as Silk’ hair tonic cuts through grease and forms a protective barrier around the hair shaft so that new grease can’t latch on. Just rub this on, starting in the back, after you shampoo, then dry as normal. I think you’ll see a dramatic reduction in grease content immediately.” . . .

Jai and Snape were sitting together on his couch. “So, Severus, do you like to dance?”

“Actually I love to dance, unfortunately most of what young people do nowadays hardly qualifies as dancing. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I far prefer the moves of waltz and swing to the arrhythmic shuffling that qualifies today.”

“That’s great, Severus,” replied Jai. “I think for your date we will definitely go to a swing club. It’s a romantic setting and will give you a chance to show what you know.” . . .

“Color is the spice of life,” gushed Carson. “No, wait, I think that was variety. But EITHER WAY you need more color in your wardrobe. Now, I understand that you have a dress code at your school, so I’ve had Tyler the Tailor here whip up some fashionable colored robes.”

Severus stepped out of the dressing room and whirled about, the deep purple of the material shimmering in the light. And a moment later, he stepped out again wearing a fur-lined cape of the deepest green.

“How do you like that?” asked Carson expectantly.

“Very nice. Not too bright, but very comfortable and warm. I’ll take three,” answered Severus matter-of-factly.

Carson shook his head as he held up two other robes. “You can only have one in the green. But you can get one in coffee and one in eggplant instead!” . . .

“Very frightening,” Neville addressed the camera. “Snape always gives me detention, but then again I seem to do everything wrong in his class so maybe I deserve it. And he always wears black. Very creepy.”

“Two words to describe Mr. Snape? Greasy git.” These words of wisdom came from Justin Finch-Fletchley. “You’re not going to show him this, are you?”

“He is our Head of House and is always fair to everyone,” smirked Draco. “In fact, I think he’s the best Head of House Slytherin has ever had. Not one of his students has died in the lab.”

Harry Potter stared solemnly into the camera, “He’s like the father I never had.”



“Wait a minute,” Harry stood up and shouted, “I was talking about Professor Dumbledore!” His shouts were camouflaged by the roars of laughter coming from all over the room. Even Snape himself let out a bit of a chuckle at that one.



“Now, the moment of truth:” said Ted seriously. The Fab Five were walking alongside Severus through the grounds. Snape was sporting his new tan, hairdo, and stylish Slytherin-hued duds. “You’ve wanted to know who asked us to come to Hogwarts, and who your secret admirer is.”

Snape nodded.

“There’s good news and bad news. The bad news is, it is one of your students.”

Severus looked shocked, “One of my STUDENTS likes me enough to invite you all out here? I can’t believe it.”

Ted smiled, “It’s true, Severus. But don’t forget the good news! She is eighteen years old, and we’ve spoken with your Headmaster. He has given his consent for the two of you to go on a date this evening, to show off your new look and show her the town, so to speak.”

“But she is still a student, even if she is of age,” argued Severus. “I’m not sure that’s right.”

Jai patted him on the shoulder, “Now, don’t be nervous, it’s not as if you have to marry the girl. We just think that because she went to so much trouble to show her affection the least you could do is take her out on one teensy-weensy date. And if it goes well, after she graduates, you never know what could happen!”

Snape sighed his defeat, though doubt clouded his eyes. “Very well. I suppose you ought to tell me which student I will be having the honor of escorting.”

Carson began bouncing as he announced, “Hermione Granger! The two of you will have a FAB-TACULAR time tonight!” . . .

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