Summer before Harry, Ron, and Hermione's Final Year at Hogwarts
Summer was nearly over, and our trio was enjoying its remainder at the Granger home. The house had been carefully warded against malevolent forces by a visiting Professor McGonagall, so the muggle abode was deemed safe for our heroes to spend their last few summer days.
They’d spent the afternoon playing and splashing in the community pool, and were now relaxing in front of the fabulous muggle contraption referred to by Ron as the “FellyTision” and by the others as the “TeeVee”. After a couple hours of watching Harry’s choice, the animated butt-whooping “Dragonball Z”, Hermione finally rebelled.
“Now that our brain cells have sufficiently atrophied from that incomprehensible fist-fest, it’s my turn to select a programme.” She grabbed the remote from Harry’s chair-arm and began pressing buttons firmly.
“Wonder what she’ll choose,” hypothesized Ron. “Probably something thoroughly practical and educational.”
“And thoroughly boring!” added Harry. The boys laughed together under Hermione’s withering stare.
“Just because I choose to entertain myself in a useful manner does not give you the right to tease me in my own house! This is my favorite new programme; if you let me watch it in peace, you can watch all the cartoons you want for the rest of the evening.” The TV had settled itself on an American station called simply, “Bravo.” Marvelous thing, the satellite.
“Shhh now, it’s starting!”
Harry and Ron did their best to curb their amusement as the show’s credits and opening music filled the room.
“Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?” groaned Ron, bewildered. “What on Earth is a Queer Eye?”
Harry snickered at Ron’s ineptitude with muggle slang. “Queer Eye is what Crabbe gives Goyle in the locker room after Quidditch practice, if you know what I mean.”
“Will you two hush!” Hermione’s annoyance was clear.
Ron and Harry settled down as best they could and began to watch as the show’s main characters, the “Fab 5” were introduced. As he watched, understanding slowly filled Ron’s eyes.
“Hermione, is this a show about poufs? Are you trying to tell us something?” Ron received a slap for his impertinence.
Their attention turned to the telly as it was explained that the Fab 5 had made it their mission to improve the lives of their heterosexual brethren by helping them to improve their appearance, comportment, and sense of style in ways foreign to most straight men.
“See, Ron, if you pay attention here, you might learn something useful,” shot Hermione as Jai, the ‘Culture Vulture’ gave this episode’s beneficiary advice on how to ask the girl he’d been eying out on a date. Ron, in return, blushed redder than his hair and threw a pillow at her.
“Maybe we should write the Fab 5 and see if they’d be willing to take on Ron then.” Harry joked a few minutes later as Carson, the ‘Fashion Savant’ assisted the man select a new wardrobe.
“Why me?” asked Ron in bewilderment. “The only reason I dress the way I do is I’m at the mercy of Mum’s knitting. If I had any sort of bank balance I’m sure I’d dress much nicer, thank you very much.”
The trio hushed quickly as Kyan, the ‘Grooming Guru’, began pulling out bottles and lotions. “Just swish a tablespoon of this around in your mouth for thirty seconds, and your teeth will be as white as a polar bear’s behind,” Kyan was saying to his victim. “And lather this in your hair after every shampoo and your oily hair will be a thing of the past!”
“Snape could use some of those,” called out Ron as he pointed to the screen. “With white teeth and greaseless hair, I probably wouldn’t recognize him!”
Harry nearly spit out the cola he was drinking. “Can you imagine what Snape would do to these guys if they started messing with his hair?”
The boys bantered back and forth about scenarios involving Snape performing nasty hexes on the Fab 5 as they attempted to replace his cape with a feather boa. Hermione pondered silently, then commented, “We’d never get him to agree to be on the show though. I think the show requires the participants be willing.”
“He’d listen to Dumbledore though,” Ron became caught up in the idea. “If we could get Dumbledore in on the joke, that is.”
Hermione frowned, “Professor Dumbledore has more important things to do than browbeat Professor Snape into participating in a game show.”
“But what if there were some incentive for him to agree? What if someone were to make an anonymous donation to the school, on condition that Snape agree to be on the show?” Harry hypothesized. “A second Quidditch field, perhaps?”
“Wow, Harry, that would be excellent! But who could donate that much money?” Harry glared at him. “Sorry, forgot for a moment that you’re loaded.”
“There’s still one small problem,” interjected Hermione. The boys turned to look at her questioningly. “We have to get the Fab 5 to agree to take on Snape.”
“Oh, if they see him, they’ll agree all right,” answered Ron. “A challenge that big only comes along once in a lifetime.”
“Yes, but they have to see him first. However, I seriously doubt that Snape will sit still for a photo shoot, and we’ll need some muggle photos to send in.”
Harry’s eyes lit up as he exclaimed, “That’s perfect!”
The others looked at him in confusion.
“Think. Who do we know who practically has a muggle camera grafted onto his arm?” Harry rolled his eyes at their blank expressions. “Someone who is bound to have taken a shot of Snape at sometime in the last five years?”
They finally got the hint. “Colin Creevey!” Ron and Hermione answered simultaneously.
“We’ll send him an owl to see if he can send us a picture or two of Snape,” said Harry.
“You’d better be the one to send it, Harry. Then we know he’ll surrender it gladly!” chuckled Hermione, happy to get a joke in at his expense for once.
“Right. And once we have the picture, Hermione can write a sappy, sad letter to the Fab 5 about how our dear, beloved Professor Snape is madly in need of a makeover so he can attract the attention of his heart’s desire,” Harry concluded dramatically.
“Who is Snape’s ‘heart’s desire’?” asked Ron. “Poor woman she’d be.”
“It doesn’t matter,” replied Hermione. “That’s just to get them to agree. They won’t be able to resist!”