“So you’re the mysterious Miss Granger,” whispered Carson once they were out of Snape’s earshot.
“Yes, that’s me! I must say I’m so excited to have you all here. My friends and I have been excited for months! And before I forget, Ted, the berry tarts were absolutely amazing, thank you so much!”
Ted gave a modest smile. “My pleasure.”
“So, Miss Granger,” began Jai.
“Please, call me Hermione,” she interrupted.
“Very well, Hermione. I must say Professor Snape is everything you told us and more. He seems to me a touch. . . oh, how shall I put it. . .”
“Unfriendly?” Kyan.
“Grumpy?” Thom.
“Bitter?” Ted.
“Standoffish?” Carson.
The other four had no trouble finding adjectives appropriate to describe the Potions Master.
“Yes, well,” Hermione prevaricated, “he’s been that way for awhile now. I’m not sure what’s made him that way.” She figured she wasn’t exactly lying. The entire time she’d known Snape qualified as a while, didn’t it?
“Maybe something happened with the woman he loves,” hypothesized Kyan. “The one you mentioned in your letter.”
Carson nodded vigorously. “Woes of the heart can certainly turn a man to ice.”
“Who is the lady of his affections, anyway?” Thom interjected. “One of the other teachers?”
Hermione thought quickly, deciding it was best not to implicate a local. “No, it’s a lady who lives in London. She comes to visit us all occasionally, but hasn’t called on us in awhile.”
“In London? That could be a problem,” grimaced Ted.
“How so?” asked Hermione.
“Weeeellll,” Carson rolled his eyes, “we’re filming here, in the Scottish boondocks. . .no offense intended. . .so if the Lady is in London, how can she be his date for the show tomorrow?”
Jai nodded his agreement. “That does make things a bit tricky.”
“Couldn’t we just skip the date part? Focus on the makeover? I would think with Professor Snape that would fill an hour programme easily.” Hermione was starting to appreciate firsthand the dangers of fibbing.
“No can do, Scooby Doo!” Carson shook his head. “The ratings would just flush down the toilet if we didn’t have a potential love interest in each episode.” He waggled his hips suggestively with the word “love.”
The group was just arriving at the guest suites in the ground floor of the Astronomy tower.
“Well, here we are then.” Hermione opened one door before moving on to the next. “There’s room for four in each suite, I’ll let you decide amongst yourselves who’ll bunk with whom.” She smiled sweetly at them, continuing, “Why don’t you take a few minutes to settle in, and then I’ll see you back to the dungeon so you can get started.”
“I knew it!” shouted Thom. “Those quarters we saw could only have been a dungeon.”
“It’s a figure of speech, Thom, I’m sure.” Jai reassured him. “I’m certain they don’t keep prisoners down there or anything.”
Hermione stifled a snigger, thinking of how most students would prefer accepting a prisoner’s life to attending one of Professor Snape’s lectures. Although she herself enjoyed them, she knew most of her classmates considered them a most singular form of torture. “I’ll just wait outside, but I’ll be back to fetch you in a few minutes.”
Hermione raced around to the other side of the tower where Ron and Harry were anxiously waiting.
“Well?” asked Ron.
“What do they think of Snape?” Harry interrupted.
“One question at a time,” said Hermione. “I’ve only got a few minutes. Mostly they asked why Snape was so unpleasant, and expressed concern about the Dungeon. Oh yes, and they need to find a date for Snape.”
“A date?” exclaimed the boys.
Hermione nodded. “They said the show must end with a date. I suppose I should have expected this, since all their episodes do end in such a way. But that’s no matter now. The problem is, how are we going to find someone willing to go out with Severus Snape?”
“And in less than twenty four hours,” sighed Harry.
Ron groaned, “That’s impossible.”
“We’ll just have to think of something, won’t we? You two start knocking your heads together, I’ve got to take them back to the dungeon to get started on Snape’s quarters. Then Professor Dumbledore wishes to speak with them, but after that I’ll come find you and we’ll discuss your plan.”
“Thank goodness you’re head girl and can keep an eye on them,” said Harry. “Let us know how it goes this afternoon.”
“I will. . .must dash!” Hermione ran off to collect her charges, leaving a despondent Ron and Harry to try to figure out who would be crazy enough to go on a date with the greasy Slytherin git.
Thankfully, the Fab Five did not bring up the subject of Snape’s love life on the walk back to the dungeon. They did, however, ask her lots of questions about her Professor’s habits and tastes.
“Hermione, for the show we like to interview our guest’s friends and family. A series of candid comments, if you will.” Jai explained. “Can you suggest some people for us to talk with about Severus?”
Hermione bit her lip, “Well, I don’t think Professor Snape has any family. If he does, he’s never mentioned them and they certainly haven’t visited here. As far as friends go, I think that Professor Dumbledore and Hagrid are closest to him. And perhaps our school nurse, Madame Pomfrey, or Mr. Filch, the caretaker. They all know him best.” Or at least will speak the least evil of him, though Hermione.
“We should talk with some students, too, Jai,” suggested Thom.
Jai agreed, turning to look at Hermione. “That would be spectacular, our viewers would just adore you and your classmates.”
“And we must get at least one group shot of Severus surrounded by his devoted pupils, all smiling up at him. . .” Kyan held his hands out in front of him, as if he were envisioning the picture it would make through the lens of a camera. “The ratings will go through the roof!”
Great, thought Hermione. Now we don’t just need a date for the old grump, but we have to find a group of students willing to pretend they can stand the sight of him. Besides Ron and Harry, who will only agree only because of what I will threaten to do should they not, the only people I can think of who might be willing to play the role are the picture-happy Creevy brothers. Even though Snape is the head of Slytherin house, I can’t see those in-bred wankers allowing themselves be filmed for a muggle TV show.
Hermione shared none of these misgivings. “That’s a wonderful idea,” she gushed.
And then they were back to the dungeon, standing in front of the door to Professor Snape’s quarters. Hermione knocked with a confidence she did not feel. “Professor Snape, are you ready to begin?”
The time passed too quickly, thought Snape as he downed one last shot before answering Miss Granger’s knock. “Enter!”
The door opened, and in poured Miss Granger and the gaggle of muggles. Several were carrying contraptions which Snape assumed would be used to film the show. One carried a small box with a light shining out of it that looked like some sort of camera, but Snape hesitated to guess what the remaining equipment was for.
“We’re back!” crooned Carson. “Let’s get down to business. Where’s your closet?” Carson started opening doors and closing them again, searching for Snape’s bedroom. When he found the correct door he passed through it, calling, “Jai, come take a look at this!”
Snape was about to follow in an attempt to prevent the ransacking of his most private room when Thom pulled him aside. “So, Severus, could you please give me a quick tour of the place?”
As Thom began to lead him around, Snape noticed Kyan had found the bathroom and Ted was perusing the contents of his liquor cabinet.
“There’s really not much to tour,” Snape drawled, gesturing at the room around him. “This is my sitting room. This is where I sit.”
He walked toward the door to the bedroom and motioned inside. The men holding the muggle machines followed along. “The room that your friends are so painstakingly ransacking is my bedroom. It is conveniently inhabited by a bed.” He turned to follow Kyan’s path. “And this ever so fascinating room is my bathroom, you’ll find that it is complete with modern plumbing. This concludes the Snape household tour.”
Thom laughed, “If you ever tire of teaching you should really consider a career in tourism. You have quite a knack for this.”
Snape had the distinct impression he was being mocked, but said nothing.
There actually was much more to notice about the rooms, but they would not have occurred to Snape’s untrained eyes. His quarters had lovely hardwood floors, but they were covered by a series of gawd-awful green shag rugs that had been there since the 1970’s. The stone walls were unadorned by art or color, and the only furnishings in the rooms were strictly functional pieces with neither a cohesive style or warmth. Only the multitude of books on the shelves and the abundance of spirits in the cabinet gave any impression about the personality of the room’s occupant. The rooms were very dimly lit, with minimal natural light coming through a slit window near the ceiling and several candelabras providing the remaining illumination.
“You have a good space here, considering this is a dungeon,” Thom started. “But it could use some color and a lot more light. Tell me, Severus, what in this room are you completely attached to.”
Severus was confused. “What do you mean by ‘attached to’?”
“When we redecorate we may want to replace some of these old furnishings. I just want to make sure we keep anything that you’re particularly fond of.” Thom placed his hand on the back of the armchair in front of him.
Severus was torn; he hated the idea of these muggles redecorating his rooms, but in reality he was not particularly enamored of any of its furnishings. “Just leave the books alone.”
Thom clapped his hands together, “No problemo! I’ve already got some ideas, I’ll get to work while you’re out shopping with Carson. Speaking of Carson, I think you’re being paged.”
Carson was wailing from the bedroom, “Severuuuuuus, come on back here!”
Snape reluctantly answered the summons, heading back to his bedroom and nearly tripping over one of the film crew who was struggling to stay behind him. He longed for another drink.
“What do you think you’re doing,” he sneered. Carson and Jai were in the process of happily throwing all his clothes into a pile on the floor.
“Severus, do you order your clothes from a mail order catalog? I swear, you’ve only got one outfit here, it’s just reproduced itself ten times! Every single one of these jackets is cut Exactly. The. Same!” Carson dropped a garment with each emphasized word. “And there are other colors than black, I’ll have to make a point of introducing you to them.”
Carson threw himself on the bed and covered his forehead with the back of his hand, moaning dramatically, “Oh, my darling Severus, we’ve got a lot of work to do here.”
Severus heard a giggle from behind him and whirled around. Miss Granger. He'd forgotten she was still here.