After what was really only about a half hour but seemed thrice that to Snape, the bus arrived in the village of Farsgrove. Although Farsgrove was not a large village, it was most certainly a muggle one. Cars lined all the streets, many of the shops had signs lit with pink glowing letters, advertising unfamiliar products called "computers" and "wireless internet". The few people walking the street were obviously muggles, not a robe or a wand in sight.
The bus serpentined through the village and stopped in front of a large cottage whose sign proclaimed it "Crossings Inn". "Here we are, Professors," announced the driver, whose name he'd told Hagrid was Horace. "You'd best go collect them, I'll see to it their belongings are loaded into the boot."
Snape reluctantly dragged himself out of the bus and followed the obviously excited Hagrid into the Inn. The pair of them approached the counter where a pretty young girl not much older than the seventh years was standing and talking into a curvy plastic object which Snape knew from his limited muggle knowledge was a telephone. The girl covered one end of the telephone with her hand and whispered, "I'll be right with you," before continuing to converse with the telephone for several minutes. Hagrid tried to make small talk, but Snape wasn't in the mood to hear it and gave the girl one of his famous "I am not amused" stares. The look obviously worked on muggles as well as young witches and wizards because the girl quickly ended her conversation and turned her attention to the unusual pair standing before her.
"We're here to collect, er." Hagrid pulled a scroll from one enormous pocket and read "the television crew from the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy programme."
"Ah. Them," the girl wrinkled her nose in displeasure. "Mighty bizarre lot they are too, with their fancy clothes and their American ways. My sister took a fancy to one of them, but he was having none of that, and my sister is a right looker!" The girl took a breath and was about to continue, until Snape cut her off.
"Thank you for that enlightening pontification of their character. Now would you be so good as to fetch them straight away?"
With a glare, the girl picked up the telephone again, punched some buttons, and after a few moments said, "Sir, two . gentlemen . have come to collect your party." She listened for a moment more, and then put the telephone down.
"They'll be down shortly. Please, make yourselves comfortable," she motioned to a smallish two person chaise at the other end of the room. Hagrid walked right over to it and sat, filling both seats with his wide girth. He looked up at Snape with chagrin, and tried scooting over to make room, but Snape just shook his head and walked over to the window.
They heard voices approaching from down the hall, speaking animatedly with their grating American accents. "You really should have come with us, Thom," Severus heard one say, "You would have just died looking at their wallpaper."
"Kind of like they had the cat puke on it every few inches or so," another interjected. "And the food validated everything we've heard about the English breakfast." Snape heard what sounded like a man gagging.
And then they appeared. There were five of them; a couple tall, one quite short, all of them dressed quite freakishly. Most were wearing brightly colored tops of various colours; one in fact seemed to have accidentally put a second shirt on over the first. Or perhaps he simply couldn't decide between them, Snape thought. Two wore trousers (which were much too form- fitting for Snape's liking) seemed to be made of leather, while several wore what Snape knew were muggle blue jeans. The lone blond was wearing a ridiculous red scarf (why did it have to be red?) over a bright white shirt and jeans that looked as if Fluffy had used them for a chew toy. The short one, who looked awfully girly to Snape's eyes, wore a glittery gold shirt carefully tucked into his leather trousers and sported a shiny matching gold watch. The bespectacled one was the most unobtrusive of the bunch, wearing a plain (though still much too brightly colored) sky blue shirt and jeans. The other Mr. Leather wore ridiculous boots and his loud orange shirt was in serious need of buttoning. The last wore a ridiculous striped shirt under his jacket, and worse yet, jeans that had apparently been coloured by schoolchildren.
Snape felt a wave of dread encompass him as he imagined what horrors these five had planned for him.
The visitors, it seemed, were as horrified by he and Hagrid as he was by them. When they'd entered the room they'd stopped dead in their tracks. Each one's eyes flitted back and forth between himself and Hagrid, no doubt contemplating their error in making the trip out.
The short, girly man was the first to recover. He walked right up to Snape and extended a hand. "You must be Mr. Snape, you look just like your picture. I'm Jai. It's a pleasure to meet you."
Snape ignored the extended hand and looked down at Jai with a sneer. "Professor Snape. And the pleasure is all yours."
Jai raised his eyebrows and responded, nonplussed, "Well, I can see that I'll have a lot of work to do, in any case." He then walked over to Hagrid and introduced himself. Hagrid, as was his way, was friendlier, and engulfed Jai's tiny hand in his own, shaking it enthusiastically.
"That one knows how to give a handshake, eh Jai?" Mr. Colouring Book Jeans called out, seeing Jai's involuntary wince. "I'd say that one was definitely granite!"
Mr. Scarf was looking at Hagrid like a kid in a candy store. He nudged Mr. Leather and whispered "Say, Kyan, do you think our schedule would allow for a two-fer? I'd sure like to have a go at Hagrid here as well."
Kyan was nodding, "I know exactly what you mean, Carson. Just imagine what he'd look like with a good shave." Luckily, Hagrid's attention was focused on Jai, as he would have been seriously distressed at the idea of a shave. "I'll talk to scheduling and see what we can do. If he's willing of course."
As Snape was about to insist they all depart, the bespectacled one approached him, though thankfully did not attempt to shake hands. "Hi, Professor Snape. I'm Ted, the show's food and wine connoisseur. I can see you're a bit nervous, but really we're all quite harmless. Do you, by chance, like to cook?"
Snape eyed him quizzically, "Cook? We have house elves for that."
Ted laughed heartily as if Snape had told a great joke. "Is that what you call them here? How adorable. But no matter, I'll have you whipping up a feast in no time. There's nothing to it."
Snape smirked, considering the irony of this man reassuring him about a process which was essentially similar to potion making. "Indeed."
He looked beyond Ted to the rest of the motley crew and in his best teachers voice loudly said "If there is no objection we should be heading over to the school now." Without waiting for a response, Snape turned on his heels and headed back to the bus. Horace and a couple of muggles were loading crates and funny looking gadgets into the bus.
"Just a few more minutes and we'll be set to go," reassured Horace. "You might as well hop in."
Snape made his way toward the back of the bus, hoping to avoid unnecessary conversation with the odd visitors. He soon realized his tactical error in entering the bus first; the five strangers followed him to the back and took seats around him, surrounding him completely. He was trapped.
"It's so wonderful to finally meet you, Mr. Snape. Do you mind if I call you Severus?" the blond one called Carson did not wait for Snape's response. "When we got your student's letter, our hearts just broke! You've got a real friend in one of your students, Severus."
"Do I?" Snape responded sardonically. Horace had hopped into the driver's seat and the bus began to move.
"You have no idea!" Carson continued, "It almost brought me to tears, her talking about her favorite teacher Mr. Snape, and how if he just had some self-confidence, he could win the woman he loved. Look at me, I get teary just thinking about it." Ted pulled a dark blue handkerchief from his shirt pocket and handed it to him. Carson was about to wipe his eyes, then looked at Ted in annoyance. "Now look what you've done, you'll never get it to sit straight again." His attention left Snape as he fussed with the handkerchief, trying to stuff it back into Ted's pocket without wrinkling it.
Snape used this brief respite to ponder Carson's words. So "Anonymous Former Student" was a female. Interesting. He already knew she was a Ravenclaw, from her commentary in the offer letter. So who was she? He remembered all of his students, much as he would like to forget, and began mentally shuffling the names of those who were Ravenclaw females. Elizabeth Knight, Raleigh Davis, and Olanthe Brookshire graduated last year. All quite unremarkable. Lilac Brown, Estelle Chance, Olive MacDonald, and Cecily DuMonde the year before.Miss DuMonde was a possibility, he knew her family was quite wealthy and she had more cheek than other Ravenclaws. Anita Plath.
Snape realized he was being addressed again. This time it was Mr. Leather (what kind of a name was 'Kyan' anyway?), who was staring rather oddly at his hair.
"Tell me, Severus, what brand of conditioner do you use?"
Snape was unfamiliar with that term. "What brand of what?"
"Oh dear, how about shampoo then?" Kyan asked, raising his hands in a questioning gesture.
Snape merely returned his gaze, stonefaced.
Kyan sighed, "You do wash your hair, don't you?"
Snape's eyes narrowed as he answered defensively, "I'm not a cave troll, Mr. Kyan, of course I wash my hair." His eyes widened mysteriously as he said, "I even use soap."
Kyan emitted a small groan, sounding to Snape rather like a small rodent, although Snape had no idea what had upset him so.
Jai jumped in to save the conversation, "So Severus, tell us a little about yourself. All we really know is that you're a chemistry teacher who really likes wearing black. What are some of your hobbies?"
"Hobbies?" Snape repeated. He didn't have time for hobbies.
"Sure, hobbies. What do you do for fun?"
Snape thought for a moment. In reality, he enjoyed reading and listening to music. Something kept him from sharing this though. "Give detention."
The men all started laughing, reminding Snape of third-year Hufflepuff girls. "You're just hilarious, Severus. And you pull off the deadpan perfectly," said Thom through his giggles.
"What's a deadpan?" Hagrid asked. The men laughed even harder.
"You two should be in Vegas," gasped Carson. "The giant and the vampire, live at the Luxor." There was a pregnant pause; Hagrid stared down at his feet, biting his lower lip. Snape glared angrily at Carson, who couldn't help but notice he'd said something wrong. "Just making a joke, guys. No offense intended."
Hagrid in particular was a bit subdued after that, Snape noticed. He'd sat quietly for the rest of the ride, while Snape tolerated the inane conversation and questioning from the visitors by answering as succinctly as possible.
And soon they arrived at Hogwarts front gate. The visitors piled out of the bus as soon as it stopped. Snape stood to follow them, but stopped next to Hagrid, who'd made no move to rise. "They're just muggles, Hagrid. They know not what they said."
Hagrid sniffled a little in response.
"I assure you, Hagrid, they just think you're rather tall is all. They don't know about your .situation." Snape hesitated a moment then put his hand on Hagrid's shoulder. "Come on, now. Help me keep these Americans out of trouble."
Hagrid wiped his eyes, then followed Snape out of the bus.