Hermione’s Trial

A/N: This was written for a Shakespeare course that I took in 2003; it’s a rewrite of the trial scene (Act 3, Scene 2) from “The Winter’s Tale”. The script that my group ended up using was a collaborative effort between another group member and I; however, this isn’t it. This one is all mine. However, the original concept is Shakespeare’s, of course.

Setting: A courtroom.

Bailiff: All rise for the honourable judge Marcella Royale.

[The judge walks in. Sitting down, she bangs the gavel (or, in its absence, a hammer will do) and calls:]

Judge: Odour in the court!

Leo: What?

Judge: Just testing, though I must say, it smells a little funny in here. Is somebody eating onions? No? All right, then. Today, we’re going to examine the case of yet another jealous husband who thinks that his wife has cheated on him and that their youngest child is illegitimate. But that’s not all, folks. He’s also accusing her of conspiring to murder him and helping her lover and her co-conspirator to escape. [Looks at Hermione] All right, then--given that you are a woman and he clearly isn’t, you must be Hermione. You know, that’s quite an impressive list. What do you say to that?

Hermione: I am innocent of all charges, your honour. I have been as chaste as I am now unhappy. I don’t expect this idiot [points to Leo] to believe me, though. He’s so bloody stubborn that he could probably give a goat a run for its money. If it had money, of course. But I’m sure you know what I mean anyway. If I am lying, may the Gods spit on my grave!

Leo: Yeah, right, Hermione. Pull the other one; it’s got bells on. Give them time, and they’ll shower you with--praise.

Judge: HEY! Did I speak to you, Leo? I believe that I did not. Wait your turn--or did your mother never teach you how?

Hermione: For God’s sake, Leo, I’m innocent! Paul’s only a friend--and I was mostly just nice to him because you asked me to be! Last I heard, there’s no law against that.

Judge: It sounds like we’ve got a man here who can’t decide what it is that he wants. Tell me, Leo, what exactly makes you think that your wife has been unfaithful to you?

Leo: I saw them.

Judge: You--saw them?

Leo: Yes, I did.

Judge: I don’t like it when people lie to me, Leo. Now, why don’t we give the truth a try?

Leo: Well…she bore Paul’s child, anyway. And she conspired with my friend Cam and helped him to escape!

Hermione: Excuse me? I gave birth to your child, not Paul’s! Or are you just trying to get rid of me like Henry VIII got rid of Anne Boleyn, because the child is a girl? As for Cam, I have no idea why he left. I didn’t even know he was gone until you told me.

Leo: You knew it all too well, Hermione. You knew, and you helped him to sneak off without my knowledge.

Hermione: What are you on about this time, Leo?

Leo: You know what I mean.

Hermione: No, I don’t.

Leo: Yes, you do.

Hermione: NO, I DON’T!

Leo: YES, YOU DO!

Hermione: DO NOT!

Leo: DO TOO!

Judge: Oh, for heaven’s sake, you’re acting like a pair of children. Leo, why don’t you try telling your wife exactly what you’re talking about? Otherwise, I’m afraid I’m going to have to drop you into the ornamental pond outside the courthouse.

Leo: Why on Earth would you do a thing like that?

Judge: Mostly because you’re starting to get on my nerves.

Leo: Sorry, Your Honour. Hermione, I am accusing you of conspiring to murder me with Cam, and bearing an illegitimate child to Paul. You know what we do to adulterous wives in my family.

Hermione: I’m not afraid of you, Leo. Spare your threats. Life means nothing to me anymore. Your favour was the crown and comfort of my life, and now I’ve lost it. My newborn daughter has been taken away from me because you, in your paranoia, decided that she wasn’t your daughter. You don’t like our first son’s wife, so you’re not letting me see him again, either. You’ve been telling everyone we know--and more than a few people that we don’t--that you think I’ve been unfaithful to you. For Heaven’s sake, Leo, you bought a full-page ad in the local paper to inform the world that Hermione McQueen, the mayor’s wife, is an adulteress! I’m not afraid of death, Leo. I have nothing left to lose anyway.

Leo [puzzled]: Who said anything about death? I just meant some rather thorough counselling…

Hermione: And this is supposed to be better? I know the counsellor you’ve got in mind.

Judge: As unbelievable as it may be, it so happens, Hermione, that we have some…er…surprise evidence by which we may be able to clear your name.

Hermione: Do you? Oh, that’s nice.

Judge: I do. [Takes out a sheet of paper] This is from a source which shall remain anonymous--except to me, of course, since I recognized the handwriting. I assure you that my source is completely reliable; I would trust him with my life.

Hermione: As I apparently have to.

Leo: I thought you said that you didn’t care whether you lived or died!

Hermione [rolls eyes]: Oh, shut up, Leo. God, I wish my dad could be here right now. On the other hand, he’d probably get really angry, so maybe it’s better that he’s not here anyway.

Judge: Will you two just shut up and let me read the message? Good. “I swear that Hermione has been faithful to her husband, Paul has not touched her, Cam is loyal, Leo is a jealous git, the child really is Leo’s, and if the mayor doesn’t find what has been lost, he shall never have any grandchildren.”

Leo: That’s not true! That’s not true at all! Judge, that’s not true! I know it isn’t! Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here right now!

Judge: I have had it up to HERE with you, Leo!

[The bailiff hands the judge a piece of paper]

Judge: What’s this? Ah. It’s a telegram for you, Leo.

Leo [reads]: Good God, my second son is dead!

Hermione: NO! [Sings] “Willow, willow, willow--so singing in my song, I die…” Oh, wait, wrong play. [Faints.]

Judge: Somebody get that woman some medical attention, fast!

Leo [feels for her pulse]: Too late. She’s dead. [Sighs.] Drat that Divine Retribution thing. I guess I was wrong. Am I going to go to prison for this?

Judge: Prison’s too good for you, lad. I’ll tell you what you’re going to do. You’re going to bury your son and your wife, build a monument to them which says what caused their deaths, and you are going to visit it every day as long as you have the strength to do so—and maybe even when you don’t. You apparently didn’t take too good care of your wife when she was alive; maybe you can treat her decently now that she’s dead, though it probably won’t do her much good.

Leo: Ooh, you really are mean. But I must admit, I deserve it. All right, then. Lead me to these sorrows. [Exits.]

Judge: Well, that wraps that one up, then. [Stands.] I could really use a cup of tea after that ordeal. And, oh, yes--this court is adjourned. [Exits.]

Hermione [Wakes up]: Hey! Where’d everyone go? The last thing I remember, Leo was grabbing my wrist--he must have been checking for a pulse, or something. As if he ever knew how--if I hadn’t been too weak even to talk, I’d have grabbed his hand and directed his thumb to the right spot. That wrist is going to have a pretty nasty bruise on it tomorrow. [Stands.] Well, I think I’ll go see where everyone’s got to. Won’t they get a surprise when they see me walking around! [Exits.]

FIN

***

A/N: The "willow, willow, willow" bit is stolen from "Othello", also by Shakespeare.

Just as a means of avoiding confusion, I should probably mention that the person who reviewed this on fanfiction.net accused me of watching too much Judge Judy. I found this rather amusing, since I have never in my life watched an episode of Judge Judy. The judge in the story, in fact, is my own reaction to the ludicrous situation created by Leontes. If there are any similarities, I am completely unaware of them and therefore they are wholly unintentional.

It should also be noted that a modified version of this script was actually performed as a class presentation. We felt that we needed a bit of comic relief on account of the fact that the original trial scene isn't exactly one of Shakespeare's most cheerful works. (The whole scene is full of ludicrous accusations and at the end Hermione collapses, apparently dead.) Therefore, I was given free rein to make the judge as sharp-tongued as I wanted to.