The brevity of this passage works in its favor; a lot of description, lot of vivid verbs all create a very moving piece. nicely done.
Author's Response: Thanks, I was worried it was a bit too short! Am very happy to hear you liked it :)
You managed to say a lot in a very short passage, and it works very well. Very powerful.
Author's Response: Wow, my first review... Thanks a lot, I do try to be very descriptive, it's how my mind sees things.